The art of fighting..
Fighting as good fight .. does not always happen easy. In essence a fight , for your entertainment and others.. should get down and dirty. Hitting below the belt.. do it!.. as hard as you can!.. Involving friends and people not remotely involved .. make it a circus!.. Trashing their parents and siblings.. give it your best shot.. !.. Sexual mind games… !.. no rules there.. sigh how much fun it would be.. to take out the dirty linen , wash without softener and hang dry all out in the open.. and then get aback to normal the next day. None of of us would be frustrated. We d get to say what we really feel.
“I hate that you crack lame jokes in front of my friends.” “I think you need to go to the gym”, “do not kiss me right after you eat a whole freakin bowl of garlic butter!” “I hate that your feet smell!|... “stop being so stingy on dates!”.. “ask your friend to take a hike.. she is too pretty to be around me, I m getting a complex!” “pay for a date once in a while!” alas… saying these things out loud compromises and makes our sanity questionable.
So how do you fight a good fight , while keeping your dignity and blowing off steam. I am hardly a source to learn from , with my amazing luck with men . I should be stoned for even thinking I could give any advice. But as I ve said before , those who cannot do , teach. And since I am almost, I repeat almost savage when it comes to relationships, from it all . I learnt to fight a good clean fight. And with someone as opinionated as me, oh there were fight. Lots of em.
Rules are for the people that write for cosmo. There are no rules. Relationships are not games. That you plan your moves and strategically analyze every word you say. You don’t plan. If you do plan , you are doing what many do , and sadly I think, you are doing the whole thing wrong. I pray you meet someone who does not play by these ‘rules’. One particular rule that I recently learnt and paid for , was taking things slow. Only thing is , I forced myself to do it. After I did the opposite of taking things slow , after I put myself out there , each and every time. This taking things slow, requires you to play a lot of games. Firstly , you can never betray what you really feel, you don’t make declarations of love in any form/gesture. And god forbid if you talk about a future together. When you get into a relationship looking to take it slow, lets see how things go. You started playing the games already. You get into this union assuming the other person is a slime ball and they have to work their way up, they have to work to gain your trust. You assume the other person will eventually break your heart. Maybe it works for some people. Maybe they work at finding out, oh you know what, now that we have been together for seven years, I guess its ok to believe that we will be together, and maybe now, we can talk about where you want to go for dinner this weekend.
Back to fighting the good fight, my stand on rules being made clear. One thing every body should know when you are fighting with somebody you love. It can be absolutely anyone. Your mom, your best friend, your ‘special’ friend (special not in mentally challenged way, not that you cant have a special friends, just that I thought it weird to call some one you were with a lover, anyhow!), remember do not compromise the relationship. If you are fighting about a condescending statement made at you, in front of your friends. Let the arguments be only about that.
Do not, pass judgment. The moment you do that, you’ve just opened up a whole new box of rotten right there.
Do not, insult the person itself, but point out the isolated incident.
Do not label the person. Do not call the other person pessimistic, negative, suspicious or whatever terms you can label someone with. All of this compromises your relationship. Let the arguments be about what the person has done, and not who the person is. Give the person benefit of doubt.
When you go into a fight, with judgment or your own conclusion, you again compromise the relationship past and future. Keep your mind open, open to the idea that the other person loves and cares for you, and would never do something to hurt you on purpose. It may seem obvious, but we rarely keep these things in mind when we are going at each others throats.
These rules that we make every relationship revolve around make relationships dysfunctional, long before you get into one. It becomes this cycle that strengthen rules that only break down what never existed. Rules like, it has to be six months before you learn you love someone, we have to have been together four years before I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if the guy is really into you he ll pay for the dates, another one that is so offensive its funny ‘bros before hos’, I know despicable, but you gotta admit its funny.
The particular rule about staying in a relationship for ages before knowing you want to be with some one has me confused. Why would you ever want to be with someone you are just not sure about for a long period of time, than be with someone you’ve know for a while and you feel amazing with and know for sure , this is the one. If you do, end up with someone you were on the fence about for a long time, you end up settling.
Watching a movie the other day , a dialogue in that movie really hit a note within me about relationships or the joke that relationships have become today. The dialogue goes something like, the power in a relationship lies with the person who cares less. While this may be true, the character in the movie ends up realizing how wrong this statement in the climax redeeming himself ,I realized the realization does not really dawn on most of us . We live out relationships , trying to be the person who cares less, so we can have the power in a relationship. In a relationship, that is the lowest you can sink. Are you that bad at everything else in your life that you try and gain control by being an insensitive jerk to another person who loves and cares for you,And puts aside their ego in the bargain. When you try to gain that power in a relationship you again compromise something that could have been good. Relationships that are played like a game, always end. Either in a screaming match in front of everyone, or a quite affair that has everyone in your life involved fueling both sides. When you fight, it should be sorted with your partner, not consulted and debated about with your friends like little school girls. It easy to do that to someone. When you build up your ammo with a friend on the side while the other person is clueless, and you drop the bomb one fine day on them, you have the power. It becomes very easy for you to cut any strings. But at what cost?
Another thing people have to realize is looking at the bigger picture. Remember when you argue, You only get to know that much more about the other person, Does this person fight dirty? Does this person drag my grandpa into our squabble? Does this person try to injure my feelings? For example I actually know someone who used to tell her boyfriend the nastiest things during a fight, things like his genitals paled in comparison to her previous lovers. Or that he was bad in bed. Now, us women keep telling ourselves, oh my lord its so hard to find a good man!.. What some of us don’t know is, there is an equal number of absolute grade A jerks that belong to the fairer sex. And most men, don’t realize what they are up for, they underestimate a woman’s caliber to harm and traumatize you. Oh believe me; they don’t know what they are in for. If you can keep your ears and eyes open for someone who fights fair you have a keeper. Don’t judge how much you fight, the more you look at an argument as a window to problems bigger than the little things you start appreciating and reducing the frequency of these fights.
Other things like not abusing, is but obvious. Never do it. Never ever, not even in Hindi.
Do not ever undermine your partner in front of other people, known or unknown, even if they are the fruit of your loins, You are always a team, stay that way.. Another thing, do not bring up, stuff that has been sorted in the past.
The old saying ‘never go to bed angry’, try following that. It makes a lot of sense. Fight your battles today, and fight with all the fervor you can muster, but know what you are fighting for, at the end of it. a fight is not against the person you love, but for the person you love. You fight because you care. You would never fight a stranger if they dint hold the door for you, or they don’t call you back. You are only fighting to keep things together. Fights are good. You know when people say, ‘that couple does not fight… ever!’.. the statement is usually followed by , ‘ooo they must really love each other’.. bzzz wrong !... they probably gave up on each other a long time back . The right response is .. hmm.. ‘Something’s weird about them.’ Yes something is weird about it. now you know .when couples fight , and they are fighting the good fight, and not comparing the width and breadth of each others sexual organs, it usually means there is something worth fighting for. And that’s the only reason it bothers them. So don’t scare easy, hold on. And keep it clean.