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Breathing heaving monster, I run away from life, as it breathes heavily in my ears.. as it heaves against me .. Tests me.. Pushes me to the point where I can see my mediocre life flash before me.

The dreams I have now, are ones of me alone. Alone in life, alone in dream. Alone in thought.

The last lonely dream I had, was soothing and relaxing and sensual. But I was alone, dreaming in a dream of the broad shoulders of a man with poetry in his heart.

In this fantasy, I was running away.. From nothing in particular but I ran, and ran like I have not in real life. The last time I ran, was when I was a child. The feeling was vivid, the spots I could see, the gasping, hurtful breathing. Until I run to a harbor, and the wet air envelopes me, like I ran into its arms. I run to the end of the boardwalk and find a small yacht and jump on it, and sail out into the darkness.

As I stand and maneuver the boat the air around me , is comforting and shameless in its reach, I go deep and deeper into the night and stop when I can see the city as a line of tiny flickering lights.

The noise ceases, and I stand looking at the quiet before me. No waves, no storm, no drama. Ink everywhere, touching, caressing the boat, teasing and taunting me. Trying to lure me in and without another thought I take off every piece of cloth on me, and step gingerly into this teasing ink. The warm water is surprising. The days have been cold and lonely, the sea is the last place I could imagine finding solace.

The velvet water and black eternity around me, starts scaring me, the thought of no end, no beginning, I can see the start from here, if I look back. But the end is endless. The bottom is unforgiving. I feel the beginnings of courage, and me bravery pushes my chin up and the high pushes me to swim into the nothingness, I swim slowly never wanting to rise above the surface. My feeling of letting go kicks in and I dive deep into the water, and swim in no particular direction.

As visions of a man come to me, a tall, strong stranger with a Deep beautiful voice, the cliché makes me swim deeper, And deeper. I feel crushing force around me, as my last breathe escapes my mouth in ticking bubbles, trying to con me into making the rational decision and go to the surface. As I fight the waters push. I suddenly forget which way is up and which down. The unbearable sadness takes over me again, and I close my eyes and stop fighting. A few seconds that seemed like an eternity later, I m back to crying hot tears that drop down my face, I open my eyes and see the boat inches away from me, and stop. I have to go back. I swam toward reality, toward giving life a second chance.

I climb back on, as I start feeling the semblance, a flicker of hope, an emotion long forgotten. The air is chilly, and every tiny hair on me skin is alive. This is the most alive I’ve felt in a long time.

I uncork a bottle of wine that was on the boat, and lie down and look up, a million reasons to live shine down on me.

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

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