The envy drips into corners of my body. Places I dint know existed. The pain becomes unbearable and for a good minute I can’t breathe. Thinking of him asking , inquiring about another woman. Makes me question and hate my friend. I am not with this man, but to hear that he was asking about another more attractive, different woman , makes me lurk on how she is ugly, in spite I turn to my aunt and tell her , how promiscuous this friend is. And it’s the truth, but unnecessary, saying these vile things about her is my personal salbutamol. I can breathe again. Somehow I fool myself into believing in a cosmic way , he hears my outburst and would be repelled by her.
This is why; I am defunct as a partner. My insecurities jeopardize any chance of being happy with someone. Well, lusting after a remotely good looking man, whose character is nothing but a void, ready and ripe to be filled with unnecessary truths, petty details, knowledge of habits, likes/dislikes of no consequence. Until the clear picture is pitted against his future with me. Until all this know about him, gives me reason enough to be dissatisfied and disillusioned of any hope of a future together.
It’s a good thing I am alone, yes. It’s a good thing.
The difference between my women friends, and girlfriends, prospective bedmates. Is how much I know about all of them. The degree of insight into who they are and how they function.
A friend. Is someone I’ve known for a long time, and for one or more reasons have not indulged in carnal relations with(in uninebriated state). She is the friends girlfriend, an ex girl friend, childhood friend. This woman, is someone I know everything about. I don’t mind the cotton undies. I don’t mind the no make up look. I don’t mind the runs in her stockings. She has to meet a certain criterion but it’s a bar that’s not too high. She is someone I am excessively dependant on when I have been without woman for an extended period of time. Dry spell is you will.
Girlfriend, she is the one who almost got away, the one who is demanding, high maintenance, and throws me the challenge. Her, I know little about. But learning about as the days go by. Until I know too much. She has to most definitely meet high standards. A hint of dependency, and its over for me. I like her to be wanted and lusted after.
Potential/prospective bed is the ultimate challenge; it’s the woman I don’t know anything about. I don’t care to know, it’s woman I meet randomly, but know in the most intimate sense. The wildest ride.