The thing about being over 25 – Hello.
Everything that follows is from personal experience; both imagined and real are mine, my opinion, my story (or part of my story). Even if I make a generalization... it’s still about me. (lol)
For the large part, I am confused.
I belong to a generation of people stuck between Teen delirious and Tween wonder. I don’t think we really grow into the mature 25 plus year olds, we are supposed to be OR ,the model of WHAT we are supposed to be, the model being -- our parents at the same age -- probably sitting around and discussing investments and retirement plans. Anyone remember that? I don't necessarily remember that , but i do however remember my parents entertaining crazy parties and BBQ's etc where my 'uncles' danced embarrassingly.
something like this --
maybe not as exciting .. but yeah.
Even if they did! They had the kids , they fed , clothed , bathed , schooled and vacationed us.
Most people i know and me included are nowhere close to doing half of those. Other than occasionally not trying to have babies. ( yeah!)
It's as bad as ---> I just learnt how to deposit money into a bank account and receive money through Western Union.
The process involving me and money usually goes
Western union. Bank .Mall
(Am I right Gulfies?..... There is absolutely nothing to be proud of here, move along.)
So a goal I have developed recently - transferring money to my folks (for a change) and before that, saving any money. It is however pretty much an elusive dream at this point in time, in the ranks of owning that Yacht that my dad took me on one summer to see dolphins… (SEE WHAT I MEAN!)
My story, the inner monologue-- that questions, adds soundtracks and then dramatizes everything, began in 2002 I suppose. I was 12 years old and I was convinced I was done with school and all of its boring and pathetic attempts at ‘educating’ me.
I knew what I had to know and that was that. The conviction that I was MAN, ADULT and didn't need anyone, disappeared two minutes later and I've never seen the likes of it ever again.
But I was surer of myself at 12 than I am at 26.
I keep coming back to this dilemma of why?
Why do I feel so helpless now? I feel directionless, like I have no place to go to and nowhere to be and no one to be with.
Is it being 26, having no roots, no savings, and no steady relationship that lasted more than a year and only a few months old at my current job and being barely able to support myself! It obviously is, but is being 26 in 2014 that much different?
From my current life bully that is my Facebook feed, A lot of women and men I know are doing quite well or that is what their smiley baby bump , holidaying pictures with their angelic looking kids pictures tell me.
Leading me to realize you value your life’s work and the measure through personal life themes. i.e. career, family , money or a combination of those things.
Despite my cynicism and my ‘wall’, I knew my life theme was love.
Finding it, exploring it and hopefully never loosing it.
That’s the child version of The Love. The adult version is obviously gut wrenching, heart breaking and wondrous in a way that is beyond reason. Beyond sensible reason.
Being on the other side of 25 makes me feel that much closer to eventually losing my shit and rampage in a grocery store when I realize ‘ Fuck , this is my life.. as I am buying ingredients to make dinner for one.’
This series of ‘The thing about being over 25’ that I’ve promised myself, is to explore being this age in this age.
A thought process that I have been simultaneously having while writing this is a personal revelation. Of how on occasion there is some really stupid shit that makes me happy and then I feel ‘little’ , that so ‘little’ made me happy.
In spite of what seems to be a standard statement I've heard one too many times , ‘whatever makes you happy!’
Which I find to be the most insincere and apathetic response to someone being or doing something/someone they should not.
So little should only make you happy after the ‘so big’.
It’s never just words; it should never just be words. It should be your actions and their actions and our actions.
So I personally drew the conclusion that realizing the path to my actualization being so basic and not achieving it made me Stop.
It made me regress to before I was 12 years old.
Like an adult version of 11 year old me , sex wanting , living on her own , foul mouthed , short tempered 11 year old me.
Or maybe I’m under thinking this, not giving myself enough credit. Maybe my goals are larger than being in a happy twosome where I plan chore charts and bake cookies and have amazingly mind bending monogamous sex under the Icelandic sky on my 5th anniversary.
Even as I say it, I feel the need to add that while that image is indeed heartwarming, my ideal is getting stoned with this partner and eating the cookie batter and cookies and the Icelandic sky is being looked at 2 hours into an Acid trip. Since we are being honest and all that.
So hello and welcome to my exploration of the plentiful, not so meaningful and life changing epiphanies of being over 25.
See ya later Bro.